Thursday, May 8, 2008

Cheese Around the SEC, Part 3

After discussing the SEC's versions of tiramisu* and cheesy grits, it's time we move on... to this guy:

We've finally gotten to someone whose cheese-factor has clearly hurt him. You may have 4.3 speed, and you may be one of the best athletes in the SEC in my lifetime, but your two paternity suits and your strange family have already cost you millions of dollars by moving you down a couple of spots in the NFL draft. Many people think you are well on your way to an ignominious career as a "troubled but talented" athlete. Think Travis Henry, Natrone Means, or Pac-Man Jones.

OK, the Fred Flintstone Halloween costume was cool. If you made it yourself, we can just add that to your list of many talents. And honestly, I've always liked you. In fact, I wanted my favorite team to trade one of its marquee players so that they could draft you to replace him. That's partly because I don't care how much child support my team's best players have to pay, as long as they pay it, and you will be able to afford it. Unless, of course, your bizarre family gets a hold of your money, in which case it will be gone immediately.

You are a man of many talents, Darren McFadden. I think you're the best running back to come through the SEC since Bo Jackson, plus you can actually throw the ball. You've got your problems, but I think some people give you a bad rap. You are mac & cheese.

Now, go and help Jamarcus Russell make the Raiders good again.

Tomorrow: Velveeta.

*It recently came out that Tim Tebow spent his Spring Break circumcising poor Filipino children. I am not kidding.